No One Lives Forever
by Dalva
Summary: The main characters of IZ and JtHM explore a haunted house on a dare. Also includes Jhonen and me--I swear this'll be the last SI for awhile! This has been finished for quite awhile, but I forgot to say so. Hehe.
1. Chapter 1

~No One Lives Forever~  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters in here, except for myself, and if Eric actually shows up later, he owns himself. And he can keep himself. Heh. I swear Jhonen must have somehow known him when he put Krik into book 5. Um, yeah...  
  
AN: This has nothing to do with the song "No One Lives Forever" (btw, it's by Oingo Boingo--you download! Unless you're Iph, of course *rolls eyes*). But the song is really addictive and stuff, so with a lack of better ideas, I decided to call it that. Rambling = fun! Oh yeah, and this is pretty pointless, but also fun!  
  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
The nine of them stood outside a huge house. They, of course, being Zim, Dib, Gaz, Gir, Nny, Devi, Squee, Dalva, and Jhonen. No one really knew what brought them together that somewhat eventful day, but they were there nonetheless.  
  
After a bit of staring at the house, Squee spoke. "D-Do we have to go in there? It looks scary."  
  
"Well, we WERE dared by that jerk Eric," Dalva replied, still looking at the house. She continued in a sarcastic tone, "But knowing him, I'd say if we didn't go in, he'd kick our butts." She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Jeez, why even bother?" Jhonen said a bit unenthusiastically. "I mean, the kid's what, eleven?"  
  
"Fifteen, actually. He just looks eleven," Dalva corrected.  
  
"Whatever," Jhonen continued. "Either way, he's just a stupid kid looking to do something stupid. I still say he's too young to be that much of an a-"  
  
"Ahem! There are children present!" Dalva cut him off.  
  
"Yeah. Including you."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"Well, I'm with Jhonen on this," Nny said. "The kid IS most definitely a jerk and a half. When we're done with this little 'mission', I think I'll take care of him."  
  
"I knew I liked you, Nny," Dalva said, smiling.  
  
"Er...OK...Good for you," Nny said with his eyebrow raised. Devi also raised an eyebrow at her, but decided not to say anything because she wasn't quite sure what Dalva meant.  
  
Zim had pulled Gir aside to tell him something about collecting data for these "ghosts" he heard Dib talking about on the way to the house. No one paid attention to them until Gir screeched, "The ghost stole my taquitos!!!"  
  
At that, Squee looked about twice as freaked as before. "There are ghosts?! Even worse, the ghosts steal stuff!" He finished with a little "meep" noise.  
  
"Poor Squee," Devi said in a tone you would normally use when saying "poor Squee". "Anyway, what's with this, er, ghost thieves thing?"  
  
"Heh, kleptomaniac ghosts. Sounds like a band name," Dalva observed.  
  
"Well, kleptomaniacal or not, this'll be great!" Dib enthused. "I brought along this handy-dandy ectoplasmic photography camera I ordered from the back of Crop Circles magazine. I might finally appear on Mysterious Mysteries!"  
  
"Uh huh, yeah, sure you will, Dib," Zim said, rolling his eyes. Dib ignored this.  
  
Everyone then turned to Gaz, noticing she hadn't said anything since they got there. Gaz looked up from her Game Slave. She got the standard psycho look on her face. "Can't I at LEAST play a video game in PEACE without everyone STARING at me?!" She did a vicious, threatening head swerve thing in everyone else's direction. They all stepped back. [AN: Tiger claw! LOL.]  
  
Devi spoke. "Well, I guess we should ge this over with. Let's get inside before Eric comes back." Everyone did so, including poor little reluctant Squee. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own much of anything, no money involved.  
  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
In a few seconds everyone was inside, standing at the threshhold of the house. Naturally, cobwebs were hanging everywhere, there was elaborate ironwork everywhere, and it looked as if the termites had had lots of fun there.   
  
"Ooh, spooky," Devi said in a half sarcastic tone as the door was shut.  
  
Dalva muttered something under her breath that included a scoff and a repeat of the word "spooky".  
  
Nny added, "Yeah, and dark. You think this place might have lights?"  
  
Heh, I doubt it," Dalva said, looking around. "They might have candles, though." She took a step forward and ran into a table. Reaching out in front of her for balance, she felt a small candelabrum resting on the table. "Well, that answers that question," she said, holding it up. Of course, it was dark, so the others had to guess what she had.  
  
"Does she have my taquitos?" Gir asked.  
  
Zim answered patiently, "No Gir, I think it's one of those...candle...holder...thingies."  
  
Gir replied, "Ohhh...huuuh?"  
  
"Forget about it, Gir," Nny said quickly, handing Dalva a lighter.  
  
"I'm not gonna ask how this was used previously, Nny, but thanks anyway," she said, lighting the candles. The light from them revealed a huge room with about 5 other candelabrums of the same size scattered around, as well as many candles in those sort of candle holders that hang on the walls. [AN: What are those called, anyway?]  
  
"Ah, that helps," Jhonen said, grabbing the lighter from Dalva. After lighting most of the candles, Devi, Nny and Dib took three of the remaining candelabrums.  
  
"So, what's the story behind this place, anyway? Every haunted house has to have a story. This place IS haunted, isn't it?" Dib babbled excitedly.  
  
Another "meep" from Squee. "I hope not. If so, we all need to guard our taquitos! And probably everything else -- once they take the taquitos, there's no stopping them..." he finished quietly, looking around with huge Squee-ish eyes.  
  
"Well, that's a good enough story for me," Dib said. "Anyway, Eric said we need to stay in here for an hour. I say we should split up into three groups of three so we can cover more ground."  
  
"How organized you are, Dib," Gaz said maliciously. This would interrupt her video game playing, so it called for malice.  
  
Devi thought about it. An hour alone with two other people in this huge house. She looked in a slightly panicky manner at Nny. "I...think I'll go with Gaz and Squee."  
  
"And I think I'll get lost with Jhonen and Nny," Dalva said, grinning eviiily. A look of pure terror was showing clearly on Jhonen's face. [AN: Yay, terror!]  
  
Zim looked disgusted. "Terrific. I'm stuck with The Dib." Dib was already off up a flight of stairs in search of potential ghosts. Zim sighed. "Come along, Gir." They followed Dib.  
  
"Well, that seems like a good cue to leave," Jhonen said, still upset about being stuck with a scary fan girl. "I guess we'll all be back here in an hour." And with that, the two remaining groups left in opposite directions while Squee was talking fast and incoherantly about more things the ghosts might do to them. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not much is mine, no money involved.  
  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
"Enemies and, adversaries, they try and tear me down!..." Dalva sang as she, Jhonen and Nny walked down a random corridor.  
  
"WILL you stop singing that infernal song?!" Jhonen asked her, quite irritated. "Not only does the song seriously grate on my nerves, but your voice sucks!"  
  
"Yes yes, I know it does. But dude, I figured you would've liked Hedwig and the Angry Inch," she replied.  
  
"Well, I..."  
  
"And we've come upon a door," Nny interrupted, simply because I have no idea whether Jhonen likes the movie or not.  
  
"And it's locked," Dalva added after trying to open it.  
  
"OK, stand back," Nny said. Dalva and Jhonen stood back. Nny withdrew what looked like a machete from his boot [AN: Come on, I had to say it!] and, with the ease of a kung-fu...person, he chopped the door in two. Smiling proudly, he turned to the other two and said, "I've been practicing."  
  
"Well, that's one way to do it," Jhonen said as he entered the room. Dalva and Nny followed.  
  
"Looks like a storage room," Dalva remarked. "A very empty storage room. Sheesh, since it was locked I was expecting some big...thing."  
  
Nny walked over to the window and looked out. "Well, there IS a cemetery in the backyard. How cliched can you get?"  
  
"Ooh, a cemetery! Yay!" Dalva exclaimed, ignoring the cliched bit and running to the window.  
  
Jhonen started, "That's oh s..."  
  
"Hey, shut up!" Dalva snapped.  
  
"Did you even know what I was gonna say?" Jhonen asked.  
  
"Yes. You're quite predictable. And...grargh."  
  
"I am not! And you're in denial."  
  
"You are too! And I am not! And besides, you're really one to talk," Dalva retorted, smirking.  
  
"I...hey, wait a minute!" Jhonen started to say.  
  
"Don't make me get out my machete again!" Nny growled.  
  
Dalva's and Jhonen's eyes widened. "Oke, you're right. Shutting up now." Dalva opened up the window and jumped out. "Anyway, I'm dying to get into that cemetery." [AN: Har har har. Bad joke. And they were on the first floor, by the way. LOL.] Jhonen and Nny shrugged and also jumped out the window, and the three made their way to the graveyard. 


	4. Chapter 4

AN: My apologies if this was OOC in some (or most) parts. Of course, I'm not the one who has to read this, so I'll just make you all SUFFER! Muahahahahahahaha! *cough* Oke, and I think I'll do one more chapter after this one. Two at the most.  
  
Chapter 4:  
  
"Hey, Earth-Monkey, could you slow down?" Zim asked Dib, half out of breath from trying to catch up with him.  
  
"Monkey!" Gir shouted gleefully. "Where'za monkey?!"  
  
"Right in front of us, Gir. Heh heh," Zim responded, smiling smugly.  
  
"Yay, Monkey Dib!" Gir shouted again. [AN: I was definitely OD-ing on Oingo Boingo at this point. That happens to me sometimes.]  
  
Once again, Dib ignored these monkey comments. "But I don't wanna waste any time! You never know where the ghosts might be." They reached the third floor, and Dib pointed to the first door he saw. "Let's try that one."  
  
~*~  
  
"Uh...Dalva? You can get up now," Jhonen said impatiently.  
  
"Shh! I'm meditating," Dalva replied. She was sitting in the cemetery on the ground, perfectly still with her eyes closed for a few minuets before the interruption.  
  
"Yeeeah, we see that. Now let's go, we're wasting time," Nny insisted.  
  
Dalva sighed. "Fine. I think it's been about 45 minutes since we left anyway. We should head back."  
  
"Jeez, and I thought *I* had weird quirks," Jhonen muttered as they walked back to the open window.  
  
~*~  
  
Zim watched as Dib scurried around the room into which they had gone. "Er, Dib...I don't think you're gonna find any of these 'ghosts' here."  
  
"Nonsense!" Dib replied. "There's bound to be a..." He was interrupted by a ghostly, somewhat annoying voice, making a sort of "Zooooooooo!" sound.  
  
"Wow!" exclaimed Dib. "I think it's...!"  
  
"I is Da Spooky Noodle Ghost!" Spooky Noodle Ghost announced. Dib picked up his ectoplasmic photography camera and gave it quite a workout. The Noodle continued. "Someone took me cantaloupe! Whyyy?! I NEEDS me cantaloupe!"  
  
"Gir! Gir, are you getting any information from this?" Zim asked.  
  
Gir ignored Zim. "Da Noodle!" he squealed. "I know where the cantaloupe is!" Gir opened up his head and pulled out Spooky Noodle Ghost's ex-head.  
  
Noodle Ghost snatched it back. "Many pink trees to you, Cinnamon Stick!" he told Gir.  
  
Dib stopped his picture-taking frenzy and put the camera down. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Peas!" Gir responded to Noodle Ghost.  
  
"Or broccoli?" questioned the Noodle-thing.  
  
"No, the dogs!" Gir added. [AN: *sings* Whe-en the dogs do find her, got time time to wait for tomorrooooooooooooooooow! To find it, to find it, to find it... Yeah, like you didn't expect that.]  
  
"It seems this Spooky Noodle Ghost and Gir speak the same, uh, dialect...thingy," Zim observed.  
  
"Yes, dogs indeed," the Noodle replied to Gir.  
  
"Yup. Byeee!" Gir said, waving. The ghost disappeared.  
  
Zim and Dib stared at nothing in particular. Gir turned and gave them an idiotic smile, accompanied by a cooing noise. "Uh...yeah," Zim said. "Let's go back to meet the others. It's been about an hour."  
  
  
~Things we've learned from this chapter~  
  
If you read my fic "Respect", you'll recall that Happy Noodle Boy said "antelope" at the end of his speech. Well, I heard him wrong. He actually said "cantaloupe". The herd of antelope that showed up was purely coincidental. Either that or they too misunderstood him. Also, you might remember that HNB died, and a dog took off with his head. Gir was that dog. It seems he was the only one who really heard what the Noodle said. You'll also note that I can't write a good story with an actual plot to save my life :^) 


	5. Chapter 5

~Chapter 5~  
  
  
AN: Yay, last chapter! *drums happily on the table to a random White Stripes song* Oke, not much to say here, so you read on, or face the wrath of DeLeo! *holds her cat up*  
  
  
Near the end of the hour, Jhonen, Dalva and Nny were back in the main room. Upon reaching the room, Jhonen and Dalva were still bickering about weird quirks, wasted time and cliches. Nny rolled his eyes.  
  
"...And if you start singing 'Ride the Cliche' one more time, Dalva, I'm gonna..."  
  
Jhonen was interrupted by Devi standing up in front of an eerie [AN: Erie, hehehe] blue glow. "So, you guys about ready to go?" she asked the other three.   
  
Nny was focused on the blue glowing thingy behind her. "Uh...wuzzat?" he asked.  
  
Devi turned around to see what he meant. "Oh, after we had walked about fifty yards, Squee begged to go back outside. On the way back, we discovered a tv in here."  
  
Dalva did the standard eyebrow-raise. "You mean to tell me that this place has a tv, but no lights? That's ridiculous!"  
  
"Yeah. Almost as bad as the cemetery in the backyard," Jhonen said, smirking.  
  
Dalva opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by Devi. "A cemetery in the backyard? Jeez, how cliched can you get?"  
  
"Okay, okay, it's cliched!" Dalva admitted. "But still..."  
  
"But still...?" Jhonen inquired.  
  
"Shut up," Dalva responded. [AN: Please note that I would never tell Jhonen to shut up unless I had a very, very good reason. I think you've probably already gathered that, in this fic, Dalva is more of an original character than me anyway.]  
  
Nny made his way to where Squee and Gaz were sitting. "So, Squeegee, whatcha watching?" he asked.  
  
Squee looked up at Nny, a bit scared. "Um... The...The Lion King XXI: Simba's Neutering Session." Gaz, of course, had her full attention on her GameSlave, not the movie. At about that time, Dib, Zim and Gir arrived.   
  
"I can't believe I got all those pictures of that ghost thing!" Dib said in gloating mode.  
  
"Oh, you saw a ghost, Dib?" Dalva asked.  
  
Gir butted in. "It were a Noodle!"  
  
Dalva grinned slightly eviiily. "Maybe we should give him to Anthony the Noodle-less Wonder, then." She began cracking up as everyone else gave her a collective 6.4 look.  
  
After her laughter had quieted down a bit, Nny observed, "Hard to believe Dib saw a ghost in the house and we didn't even see one in the cemetery."  
  
"What cemetery?" Dib asked.  
  
"The one in the backyard," Dalva replied, rolling her eyes at what inevitably came next.  
  
"In the backyard? Isn't that a bit..."  
  
"Yes yes, cliched, I know," Dalva said, cutting Dib off. People in this fic have a knack for that.  
  
Zim looked around impatiently in the eerie silence that followed. "So...are we gonna go now?"  
  
Squee flicked off the tv [AN: Yes, he flicked it off :^D ] and rushed to the door. "Let's go! Let's go!" he insisted. And that they did.  
  
~*~  
  
When they got outside, Dib was still gloating over his photographical accomplishment. "That was so cool!" he exclaimed. Holding up the camera, he continued. "And all those pictures with this..." he trailed off, his eyes growing wide. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"Dude, what happened?!" Dalva asked, concerned.  
  
Dib choked down a couple sobs. "I had the lens cap on again."  
  
  
The end! 


End file.
